With the decade of my twenties almost behind me, I find myself reflecting on the men I’ve encountered along the way. There have been great guys, mediocre guys, and Ivan the Terrible. After each problematic man I remember thinking, “damn I wish someone warned me about guys like that…”
The I Don’t Have A Condom Fuckboy
A native to the dating pool is the (most likely) disease infested fuckboy who never has a condom. This dude will give you the best head of your life, even eat your ass too. All with the goal of getting you so turned on that you forget you wanted to use protection. To survive against this type, you must be willing to walk away – just like in a negotiation, but hopefully after you’ve cum on his face.
The I Won’t Judge You Fuckboy
After your second date that you reluctantly attended, he begs you to come upstairs for a few minutes. Of course a few minutes turns into longer because this guy never shuts the fuck up. He kisses you once, then touches your hair and whispers,”whatever we end up doing tonight, I won’t judge you.” After you express your lack of interest in sleeping with him he responds with “not waiting is not going to make me lose respect for you.” Red flag, girl, run! He’s not giving you the chance to consider not having sex with him. Instead he is telling you that it’s gonna happen, it’s just a matter of time. This can come off as confident, but it’s really just a technique to soothe your Madonna/Whore complex. Don’t fall for it. Besides, if someone had to preface a sexual encounter with “I won’t lose respect for you” it’s highly likely that they will lose respect for you. Move on to a more evolved man.
The Do Nothing Fuckboy
The Do Nothing Fuckboy is the type of dude who begs for oral all the time but does not reciprocate. He will put your hand on his dick and once you’ve touched it for a bit he’ll ask you to suck on it. You may spend a good 5-10 minutes down there licking, choking, and stroking, but when you get up to get yours he’ll say something like “baby, I’ve gotta get inside you right now” dismissing your request and going straight for penetration.
The first few times you might let it slide because you find it hot how much he wants you, but in time you’ll become annoyed. When you finally get him to go down on you he will lick someplace other than your clit and drool excessively on it so you’re wet. 45 seconds later he’ll come right up to penetrate you. This fuckboy is a horrible lay. If you happen to fuck him once, do not repeat!
The Don’t Date Women My Age Fuckboy
This fuckboy is quite common. He’s the 31 year old dating the 19 year old, the 45 year old dating the 23 year old, the 57 year old dating the 27 year old. This guy knows he ain’t shit, so he seeks out younger women who are easier to impress. He’ll tell you he enjoys “spoiling” women. What he truly enjoys is not being challenged by an equal. He may play mentor by introducing you to new things and shaping how you react to the world. Be very careful of this type. I have an appetite for mature men, but I’ve learned not to go for ones who only like younger women. If your old guy doesn’t feel a little uncomfortable about the age difference then he’s just a fuckboy.
The Gaslighting Fuckboy
The goal of the gaslighting fuckboy is to make you question things you know to be true and eventually believe you’re crazy. This is the type of dude who will tell you that he’s not in a rush to have sex so if you stay over he will sleep on the couch and you can have his bed. Come to find out, when you’re in his bed he will not leave. He will stay there and cuddle you (aka press his boner between your ass cheeks). Eventually he will try to move your panties to the side and fuck you. When you object and reiterate what he said about staying on the couch, he will ask “what makes you think I want to have sex with you?” Or say “you’re laying half naked in my bed teasing me.” He will stop for a minute or two but he will be back at it in no time. If you do end up fucking him and mention any regret the next day, he will rewrite history to make you a cock hungry succubus and him the innocent who got seduced. He’s so convincing that you will question yourself, your version of reality, and (with continued exposure) – your sanity.
The My Girlfriend isn’t Kinky Fuckboy
This is the type of dude to call you from his burner phone or only communicate with you through Snap. He can only talk during business hours (unless his GF is out of town). This fool will tell you a sob story about his sexual awakening and how much he needs a certain fetish to feel alive. His gf isn’t kinky so he can’t get it from her, but he won’t leave her because they just renewed their lease, it’s the anniversary of her cat Sprinkle’s death in the freezer, and he doesn’t want to derail her semester. This dude is usually an old friend who you reconnect with or an ex who comes back into your life. He will ease you into the idea of being his Mistress Domme, but trust me, this is not a position you want to be in. The rush of contact during the day will only make you feel empty at nights and on holidays when you know he’s with her.
The My Wife Is A Bitch Fuckboy
This is the type of dude who is always complaining about his wife. She talks down to him. She doesn’t make him feel like a man. She doesn’t fuck him or suck him anymore and they sleep in separate bedrooms. He wants to leave her but he just can’t walk out on the kids. This dude will have you feeling soooo bad for him. You’ll hate his wife as well and find yourself thinking, “poor thing; he deserves so much better and I would never treat him that way.” You’ll want to dull his ache for touch by putting your pussy on him, but don’t! I was so captivated by this married fuckboy that I almost made an exception to fuck him. Thankfully I didn’t and a month later I found out his wife was pregnant. So all year long that he was complaining about her, he was actually going home to fuck her. This guy is vile. No matter what excuse married guys give or how horribly abusive they make their wives sound, do not bite.
The Negging Fuckboy
The negging fuckboy is one of the most annoying ones of all. He plays on your insecurities by making backhanded comments to put you down but also kind of challenge you to action. Whatever he says makes you want to prove him wrong. For example, “if you don’t send nudes you’re not really serious about us.” Or “if this is how you react to something so little you’re not ready for a relationship.” The art of negging is very subtle. You’re offended yet you also want to prove them wrong. Do not fall for it. He’s counting on your self doubt to destroy your self will.
The Stealthing Fuckboy
The Stealthing Fuckboy is hands down the most dangerous of them all. He is a psychopath who comes across as sweet and respectful. He is difficult to weed out because he throws you off his scent by being so god damn attentive to your needs. He might wear the condom initially and take it off half way through sex. Or he might pretend to put it on and then go inside you raw. You never really know. So for this reason I encourage you to put the condom on yourself and have some kind of light in the room. Also, don’t be afraid to reach down and feel his dick every now and then. He will think it’s hot and you will have peace of mind from feeling it’s still plastic wrapped. Switch positions often and take control sometimes so you know for sure you are still covered. This one scares me the most and it’s hard to keep checking so my go to line is “I love to watch your cock sliding in and out of me.” Knowing that you’ll be looking at his dick every opportunity you get is the best deterrent. If anyone ever does this to you, be sure to check your local laws because in most places it’s classified as criminal.
The “Vasectomy-Safe” Fuckboy
This is the type of guy who already has kids from his previous marriage and wants to be a whore without paying more child support. While plotting to fuck this guy, I told him “I always play safe” he went “don’t worry, I’m vasectomy safe.”
Initially I was intrigued by the prospect of fucking a blank shooter, but being the twisted fuck I am, I started asking about his past experiences. This fool told me of countless conquests, including his best friend’s wife. He did not hide the fact that he hit her raw.
Vasectomy immediately became a turn off for me because I will forever associate it with this guy who’s been dipping his dick in all kinds of strange. If you decide to fuck this type be sure to wear protection because vasectomy safe is not disease safe.
The Love Bombing Fuckboy
This guy is full on and lays it on you thick! A week in, he’ll profess his love; 2 weeks in he wants to look at houses together. But he’s not a lesbian, so no way those feelings are legit! The strategy here is to disarm by putting you on a pedestal and worshiping you. Showered with compliments and affection, you are too deluded to realize how crazy this all is and recognize that this guy is actually a narcissist whose mood will change swiftly. One day you wont be perfect anymore and he will unleash his demons on you to break you down completely. Piece by piece he will chip away at you, like undoing the statue of David. The praise will fall off and criticism will take over. You will run yourself ragged trying to impress him and it will never come. The love will never come back and you will blame yourself and hate yourself for it.